So I've been trying to love myself more lately. It's been brought to my attention that I have been doing some things to sabotage myself due to subconscious self-doubt. I had this revelation a week ago, and since then, I've been trying extra hard to think positive thoughts about my self-worth and my unique abilities, and I've also been trying to live in the present moment and wash out all the negative, fear-based, monkey-mind junk patterns that have been distracting me.
Not only have I felt more confident and happier in my own company, I also landed an awesome summer job at the university I'm attending! I will be instructing a speaking and listening ESL course, as well as teaching what they call ESL "modules," and also picking up some substitute teaching work at the ELI! This is not bad, not bad at all, considering I've only gotten one semester of the master's program under my belt, and normally you have to hold a master's (at least!) to work as an instructor at that university! I consider it an honor. Also, I give great thanks to the connection that I had--my husband's long-time best friend's mother (did you follow that?) has worked at the university for a long time in the ESL dept., and although I don't believe she's full time anymore, she still does some work there. Well, I talked to her last week about being in the program now and how much I'm loving it, so she put in a good word for me, which got me the interview, and here we are!
I'm glad I came to the realization that I had some buried self-doubt. I think clearing the air and getting honest with myself about some personal things was the first step in removing that road block.You never know what junk from your past might be holding you back in a completely unrelated area. I think doors will continue opening for me now, simply because I like myself more and believe in my abilities to rise to higher expectations.
I want to encourage all of you to examine yourselves, to look at your thought patterns, and see if there's any area in which you're beating yourself up. Are you constantly berating yourself for some failure or something you feel guilty about? It doesn't have to be career-wise; it could be some relationship that went sour years ago, or something your parent said to you that damaged your self-confidence, or maybe you hurt someone else and haven't been able to get over the guilt. Look at these things inside of yourself, forgive the person who you believe hurt you (aware or unaware), and most importantly, forgive yourself, even if you didn't hurt anyone else. Forgive yourself for beating yourself up for so long. Take the needle off of that old, skipping record, and take it off the turn table. Play a new record. Fill your mind with thoughts of beauty and confidence. Even if you don't think you're awesome yet, start acting like it, and soon your mind will follow.
A book series that is really helpful with looking at life in this light is the Four Agreements series. Check it out if you're ready.
Taa-taa for now!